


That's A Patton Problem

by periwren



Category: Real Person Fiction, Sanders Sides (Web Series), Thomas Sanders, Video Blogging RPF, youtube - Fandom
Genre: Anxious Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Jealous Logan, Logan Sanders - Freeform, Patton Sanders - Freeform, Poor Logic can't deal with this, Pregnancy, Roman Sanders - Freeform, Roman misuses imagination, This gets weird fast, Weirdness, problem solving
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-12
Updated: 2018-08-12
Packaged: 2019-06-26 07:05:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15658212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/periwren/pseuds/periwren
Summary: Logan gets jealous when the others go to Patton with "Patton Problems" because he wants to be the one to solve all their problems to get the credit and praise. After he tricks Patton into sending the others to him instead with their "Patton Problems" he quickly learns that there are some things that Logic cannot solve.





	That's A Patton Problem

**Author's Note:**

> I honestly don't know how I came up with this weirdness.

Logan sometimes felt jealous of Patton.

He didn’t want to admit that because he was Logic and he didn’t do “feelings” but nevertheless although it was an uncommon occurrence, he did feel a spike of jealously stab him in the gut whenever the sides went to Patton with a problem.

Logan is the intellectual side, the problem solver, the one with the sum of all of Thomas’s knowledge. He experiences immense satisfaction and pride when solving a problem or dilemma presented to him by Thomas, Roman or Virgil.  So why did sometimes the others go to Patton instead of him? It was most perplexing and frustrating for Logan.

He wanted to be the one to help. He wanted to get the credit for solving the problem. He wanted the attention and praise from the others for doing so.

To make matters worse over time the others had even made a nickname for the times when they needed help from Patton; it was a Patton Problem. “Patton, where are you? I need help with a Patton Problem.”

There wasn’t a special name for when the others needed help from him, it was just “Logan do you know? Or Logan how does this work? Or most commonly; Logan the computer’s frozen again!”

Patton would probably try and put the computer in the microwave if Thomas asked him to help if it got frozen, thought Logan bitterly.

What hadn’t occurred to Logan was that sometimes the others had problems that didn’t exactly have a practical or logical solution. And it also didn’t help that sometimes Logan came across very smug and superior when the others needed help. Many of the “Patton Problems” that Virgil went to the Dad side for actually required some kind words or even a hug to solve – and Virgil was ashamed to let the others know about. Thomas had problems where Patton had to help him work out how display empathy and consider the feelings of others – there wasn’t a right or wrong answer. And Roman, well Roman sometimes had some very er…interesting problems (more on those later), that Patton was suited to dealing with because he too could be very impulsive and imaginative.

One day Logan decided he would try and make it so he was the only problem solver in their group.

“Patton you are looking very tired – did you know that?” he asked innocently.

“Oh, no Logan I hadn’t noticed.” replied Patton.

“Hmm.” Said Logan trying to sound thoughtful. “You know I think you are working too hard, Virgil went to your room late last night, didn’t he? Something about a “Patton Problem”?”

Logan knew this because he ran into Virgil in the hallway as he made his way to Patton’s room, Logan had asked if he could help but Virgil had replied that it was a “Patton Problem” – the truth was Virgil didn’t think Logan would understand that he needed reassurance that his friend didn’t hate him after he sent a text message and the friend had read it but not sent a reply back yet.

“Oh yes he did but don’t worry everything’s sorted now nothing to worry about.”

“But that’s the thing, I think there is something to worry about. Look at how tired you are. All these “Patton Problems” you’re becoming exhausted –” lied Logan.

“I am?” asked Patton confused.

“Yes- definitely. You need to stop prioritizing the others over your needs.” Logan said sternly “Patton, next time one of the others comes to you with a “Patton Problem” I want you to direct them to me.”

“Oh... are you sure?”

“Most definitely.” replied Logan. There, thought Logan smugly soon there will be no more “Patton Problems” just Logic solutions. Logan had no idea what he had just gotten himself into.

But it wasn’t long before he found out.

A few days later as Logan was lying in his bed with his bedside lamp on doing a bit of light encyclopedia reading before drifting off to sleep he heard Roman running down the hallway crying out “Patton! Emergency, I have a Patton Problem.” Logan stopped reading still holding the book on his lap as he listened to Roman run into Patton’s room.  Logan wondered what Patton would do – would he remember their conversation to send “Patton Problems” to Logan?

Evidently he did as he heard footsteps running down the hall coming towards his room. Although he expected it, Logan still jumped a bit as Roman burst into his room unannounced wailing “Logan help meeeeeeee!”

Logan put his book on the bedside table and climbed out of bed, “Certainly Roman, what seems to be the problem?” he asked cheerfully. He was so happy his plan had worked and now he was going to be in charge of solving everything.

“I’m pregnant!” wailed Roman as he came inside and threw himself on top of Logan’s bed.

“What?” surely he heard Roman incorrectly – he must be very tired.

“I. Am. Pregnant. You have to do something! I went to Patton, but he said that he couldn’t do anything but you would know what to do! So do something.”

Logan barely understood this because Roman was speaking at rapid speed.

“Roman… you are not pregnant.” Logan said very firmly.

“Yes I am.”

“No you’re not!”

“Yes I am!”

“It is literally physically impossible!”

Roman pulled something out from his pyjama pocket and thrust it at Logan. It was a pregnancy test. Logan had never seen one in real life before so the two blue lines didn’t mean anything to him but he assumed that Roman had read the how to use instructions on the box and it told him that this was a positive result – but it was still impossible!

“Roman- I don’t care what this test says- you are not pregnant -I-I don’t even know where to begin to explain this to you-oh yuk” yelped Logan has he realized he was holding something that Roman had peed on.

“Look!” cried Roman lifting up his top. Logan stared confused. Roman’s chiselled six pack was gone, in its place his stomach had a large smooth round bulge that looked – well it looked like –

“N-no, you-you just can’t-” stuttered Logan.

Roman stood up and grabbed Logan’s and pressed his palm against his stomach, Logan tried to pull away but Roman was too strong and held his hand there. Suddenly Logan felt something kick into his hand. Roman finally let go and Logan was able to pull his hand away as if he had put it onto a hot stove. Logan felt weak at the knees.

“H-H-How?” he whispered.

“Well I was in Thomas imagination on a fantastic heroic quest to beat a terrifying monstrous dragon that was tormenting this poor village –

“Roman get to the point!”

“Well I after I had defeated the beast and the town was congratulating my heroic deeds, one of the villagers who came up to me was pregnant and as I was riding my horse through the woods later on I wondered what it would be like to be pregnant so I imagined myself with child and here we are.”  

“So-so why don’t you just imagine yourself not pregnant again!”

Roman’s mouth dropped into a small “o” shape as his features took on the expression of surprize, “I didn’t think of that!” as he rushed past Logan out of the room.

“How could you not have thought of that?! How was that not the first thing you try and do?” shouted Logan after him. Logan stood in the middle of the room staring at the door, he knew he should go after Roman but he was too much shock to do anything except stand there. After what seemed like an eternality Roman bounded back in.

“Ta-da.” he said cheerfully as he lifted his shirt to show off the return of his six pack.

Logan gulped, “Good… problem solved.” He felt drained, glancing at the clock he realised he had only been talking to Roman for just over five minutes.

“Yep.” said Roman turning on his heel and leaving.

Logan closed the door and climbed into his bed wrapping the blankets as tight as he could around himself. He had this terrible cold sinking feeling that asking Patton to give Logan all of his “Patton Problems” had been a grave miscalculation. Logan sat there for a very long time wondering what he was going to do about this when there was a soft knock at his door.

“Come in.” he called

Virgil stuck his head inside – he looked absolutely terrified.

“Virgil- are you alright? What’s wrong?”

“I-I-I found- it was left- outside my door with a n-note and-and I went to P-P-Patton but he said t-to go to you and-” Virgil stuck a trembling hand inside Logan’s room holing a piece of paper. Logan got back out of bed and took the note from Virgil – he was very worried about what could be making the anxious side this anxious.

The note read: _Dear Panic at the Everywhere. Well um tonight I got pregnant but I didn’t want to be pregnant so Logan told me how to get unpregnant but I didn’t just want to get rid of the baby so um yeah. But I’m not ready to be a Dad, I have my magnificent acting career and questing is just so dangerous. And babies cry a lot and I need my beauty sleep but you’re up half the night anyway, so it shouldn’t be a problem for you. Don’t give him a stupid name. Sincerely Roman._

Logan’s heart stopped as he read the word: baby. He opened his bedroom door fully to see cradled in Virgil’s arms swaddled in a light blue and pink blanket a soundly sleeping baby.

Not wanting to wake up the baby was the only thing that stopped Logan from screaming.

“Logan what do we do?” whispered Virgil sparing terrified glances at the bundle of joy in his arms.

Logan couldn’t do this – this was a Patton Problem.

“T-take the baby to Patton. Tell him-just tell him I think that he best person to deal with this situation.”

“What about you?”

“I…I am going to go and find Roman and then I’m going to kill him.” said Logan.

“Okay that sounds like a good plan.” said Virgil as he cautiously took the baby back to Patton’s room.


End file.
